Accepting is hard

I’m not just talking about something that is given to you, like a gift perhaps. I find this difficult as well for some reason, as if I never quite deserve it. But it is even harder to accept that I am not a bad person. And I know that to the majority of you reading this, this will make no sense at all. However, as long as I remember, I have felt an immense hatred towards myself. I don’t know why, because people around me have always told me and still tell me how sweet and nice I am (family, friends etc). And yet it persists. Recently it has flared up again in a big way and that is the inspiration of the following poem.

I fall
over and over again
I fall into darkness so black
that it poisons my soul
It is anger
A blind anger
vicious
misdirected
punching me
over and over again
forcing me to hurt
convincing me I deserve it
and I believe
I fall
over and over again
into vicious blind anger
slashing
hurting
over and over again

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